Brat Farrar (bratfarrar) wrote,
Brat Farrar


Just came to the rather uncomfortable realization that there isn't a single person that I actually trust. There are lots of people who (appear to) trust me, and I make a solid effort to be trusthworthy, but I have been burned so many times that at this point I just assume it's going to happen--so it's no longer a surprise when it does.

Sure, it stings a little in the moment, but then it's just a case of labelling the person "proven untrusthworthy" instead of "hasn't happened yet".

I don't think anyone realizes this, as I do my best to not let it affect how I behave towards people--"do unto others", etc., after all. But some days I am very tired and rather lonely, and find myself wondering whether it wouldn't be better to just move by myself into a little house deep in the forest somewhere. Just stop trying.

But--that would be a betrayal of the people who trust me (assuming they indeed do), and so it's not a possibility to even really consider.

We are called to forgive and forgive and forgive, until we can no longer count the number, and to keep forgiving, and I do--dear God in Heaven, I do, for have I not also injured others in my turn, without the knowledge of it? And perhaps with, although I strive constantly to deny any urge towards malice, or to make amends when I fail--

Ah, me. I am tired and sad and more than a bit maudlin with all of it. It seems like everyone around me is miserable in some way and has been for months and months (and years and years, in some cases), and it hurts me to see them hurt, even those who have also hurt me. I am tired of Lent, and long for Easter, for the real Easter, for joy everlasting and an end to waiting for the next accidental betrayal. Just a few more weary days....
Tags: personal things

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