Brat Farrar (bratfarrar) wrote,
Brat Farrar

mid-life crisis?

I periodically go through rounds of depression/burnout. It's been like this since I was a teenager (perhaps even earlier; I was a precocious kid when it came to some things), and I've written about it on here from time to time. Sometimes it seems to be almost entirely a physical thing, like last winter, which pretty much resolved itself when I bought a couple of full-spectrum sun lamps. Sometimes it's pure burnout from work, which usually also resolves itself if I can just keep moving forward long until things eventually settle down again. Sometimes it's ... existential.

Yeah, okay, there are a lot of external factors going on right now: months-long social isolation thanks to excessive lockdowns, work overload thanks to most of my technical support people disappearing for one reason or another (and in this case it's not just "too much work" but a lot of "I don't know how to do this, but I have to keep trying because it's in the process of breaking and I have do to SOMETHING, oh crap that didn't fix it either, can I please just quit now"), and of course the all-mighty COVID-19, which I'm still only mostly recovered from. Oh, and my vote was probably nullified by some form of fraud down in Philadelphia. (If they left and joined New Jersey, the rest of the state would be very happy about it.)

And the dog, who as much as I love him, severely hampers my ability to do much of anything domestic, right now. I can be outside or on my computer, but anything else quickly becomes a huge hassle.

I feel almost desperately penned in at the moment, and I'm not sure what to do to get out.

For years--YEARS--I have wanted to simply walk away from work, but I keep not doing it for basically two reasons: 1) There are enough people that I like and would feel bad about dumping a huge mess in their laps, and 2) health insurance. Oh, and 3) which is that my dad always brings up that it's harder to find a new job if you're not currently employed. Which then just exascerbates the feeling of being trapped.

I am tired of trying to get our contracted vendors to actually supply the support we're paying them for; tired of never being able to get myself on solid ground at work; tired of playing single parent to a giant dog who completely controls my personal schedule; tired of spending all my time working on the computer when what I really really really want to do is take care of my family's house and property; tired of spending all my energy keeping my professional life from completely disintegrating and not having enough left over to manage my personal life (just found out my primary care doctor dropped me without sending so much as a courtesy postcard; still haven't gotten around to finding a new dentist after my old one retired; about all I'm successfully managing to do is keep my credit card paid off).

This is the sort of little rant I don't usually allow myself to indulge in because it's not helpful and just takes up time I could use for something more fun/productive, but I'm just ... really really tired.

My life right now feels like when you're trying to move something extremely heavy--unless you have something fixed to brace your feet against, you wind up just sort of scrabbling at the floor. It's one thing to sing "On Christ the solid rock I stand"--and I do sing it, and I do mean it, and it's why I have always and continue to refuse to submit to despair, but right now I need something a little less abstract and a little more "here's how to keep your finances afloat but still get out of your current professional/personal rut".

8 years ago I somehow managed to talk my way out of a full-time job into a part time one and it was probably the best 1.5 years of my adult life--until I got sucked in again to the regular rat race. Didn't have a lot of spare change at the time, but I can remember being solidly happy in a way I haven't been for a while now.

...maybe I need to sit down, crunch some numbers and job descriptions, and figure out if I can make that happen a second time, because at this rate something's going to give, and it's probably going to be my ability to actually get out of bed in the mornings.

Hm. Something to think about.
Tags: personal things

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