March 17th, 2020


a bit of self-therapy

It's a wet, gray day, I've had to reschedule a trip to visit the little of Bouvier puppies I'll be picking from, everyone around me is having their lives completely discombobluated by COVID-19, and I'm ... well, I think I'm finally suffering from the burnout I've been actively staving off for over a year now. Probably more like a year and a half, possibly even two. I've been able to keep moving forward because I needed to, been using various apps to supplement my badly depleted well of focus and self-discipline, been riding the relief of being able to work from home, in my own time, instead of in an uncomfortable office at times dictated by a shared schedule.

It was going pretty well, but then I got smacked with the 1-2-3 of possibly-dying grandmother multiple states away, a week-long severe headcold, and then all this COVID-19 craziness, and it's just...

Well, I'm currently typing this up instead of working because I tried to work yesterday like usual and managed a grand total of 2 hours, mostly just checking in via email to make sure there weren't any emergencies that *had* be handled immediately. I have vacation time to burn, so it's not a major issue as far as my job's concerned, though the timing could've been better, but I figured if I didn't sit down and self-assess at the outset today it was almost certain to just be repeat of yesterday. (Granted, some of that spaciness was my laptop being uncooperative, but I could've pushed harder to work around those issues and instead just surrendered.)

Last week was recovering from a physical illness, I feel like this week I'm trying to recover from soul-flu.

Staying up until 4 AM this morning because I didn't have the energy to get myself to stop reading last night isn't helping, of course, but it's definitely just a symptom of the foundational issue, which is: I'm tired. I'm really, truly, down-deep tired. I want to take two weeks off and spend them hiding in my room reading fanfic and playing video games and just not think about work or the wider world at any point. Two months, even.

... Yeah, two months off sounds about right. At the end of it I'd be ready to have a purpose and occupation again.

Anyhow. Usually I try to take these things somewhere that might be useful/interesting to you all, but I got nothing this week. Just ... try to get enough sleep, don't panic over toilet paper unless you're really about to run out, and remember that this too will pass--my doldrums, COVID-19, the dready weather. And in retrospect we probably won't be able to remember why it all seemed so enormous at the time. We seldom do.

Okay. Work. I can totally be a productive member of society today, if I really try. Right? Right.