December 17th, 2019

alone

On cycles

When I was younger--up until just a couple of years ago, really--I would get angry with myself during my seasonal slumps, or the couple of days before my period would start, when all I'd want to do was lie around and eat too much. The disconnect between my desire to act and the actual will to act seemed like an unforgivable moral failure. There was much periodic self-loathing and a general low-level miasma of despair. Which I hope I managed to mostly hide from everyone, because it's not like they could've done anything to help. Better only one of us was unhappy, after all.

The thing I've finally realized--and it has to be something you finally figure out on your own, I think; having someone else tell you doesn't do much good unless you're already on the brink of it and just need outside confirmation--is that none of this is permanent. Yes, I have awful slumps where just getting out of bed and to work sort-of-on-time is all I can manage. It's not ideal, but neither is that my constant baseline. I have other times where I get up at six and bang out nearly a month's-worth of LiveJournal posts in a single morning. These things come and go like the phases of the moon or the changing of the seasons, the turning of a wheel.

"This too shall pass" is a warning, but also a comfort, if you can hear it. Yes, right now all I can do is look at the cobwebs in all the corners and think about how much I just can't get myself to actually vacuum them, and it would be so easy to fall into the old pattern of loathing myself for the next week and a half while that remains the case. Instead I'm going to remind myself that I'm currently just coming out of a personal new moon, but I'll be waxing gibbous; another week or so and I'll be nearly full, and the needed cleaning will happen then, like it usually does. And that's okay.

I'm looking forward, starting next month, to being able to adjust my work schedule to better balance the way things work, instead of having to jam myself into the fixed Mon-Fri, 9AM-5PM framework. It'll be better, I think. Not much longer, now. (And then I can get a dog, and that will help everything.)